Humor: Updating U.S. Military Oaths

From a bit of surfing comes this. As with all humor, there’s a bit of truth in each stereotype.

All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

From Fuzzilicious Thinking:

NEW ENLISTMENT OATHS

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I,
(State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army, because
the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over
waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by
their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at
all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of
"Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will
believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean
the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy
those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I,
(State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre
life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn’t score high enough on
the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the
Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim. I will wear
camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can’t
figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24
hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself
that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I
am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial
for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in
my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I
scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my
Sexual…..er…..I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different
Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I
left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I
am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife
stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a
better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will
continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of
knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive
to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday
at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo
no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and
will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I
will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but
will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam. So Help
Me God!"
_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I,
Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air
Force was too "corporate," because I didn’t want to actually live in
dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim…why
not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to
have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during
summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use
a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using
words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and
head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain,
hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all
Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter,
are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no
sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every
morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will
show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon,
and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and
subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that,
once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick,
and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help
Me Neptune!"
______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I,
(pick a name the police won’t recognize),
swear..uhhhh….high-and-tight…. grunt… cammies….kill….fix
bayonets….charge….slash….dig….burn…. blowup….ugh…Air
Force women….beer…..sailors wives…..air strikes….yes
SIR!….whiskey….liberty call….salute….Ooorah
Gunny….grenades…women…. OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date

2 Replies to “Humor: Updating U.S. Military Oaths”

  1. I, a former Marine, added just ever so slightly to the Marine Corps a little… you’ll see them.US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
    “I, (pick a name the police won’t recognize), swear..uhhhh….high-and-tight…. grunt… cammies…. blowup…. kill…. white phosphorus… fix bayonets…. charge…. white rocks…. napalm… slash….dig…. burn…. sand/grass/tree/fire watch…. ugh…Air Force women…. maim… beer….. C4…..sailors wives…..air strikes…. yes SIR!…. whiskey….liberty call….Composition B…..salute….Ooorah Gunny…. grenades… women…. OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!” SEMPER FI!!!
    X____________________
    Thumb Print
    XX _________________________________
    Teeth Marks
    _____________________
    Date

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